The Worth of Lives

Once again, I feel I have an opinion too controversial for posting on Facebook, so I will post it here. I post these things here because then they are out, but I don't have to deal with fighting in the comment sections of anything I post on Facebook. I don't think anyone actually reads this, but that's alright.

There has been a lot of fall out recently about police in Louisiana (most recently) fatally shooting an unarmed person (who appears to have been a convicted felon, so any firearm that he may have had would have been illegal). I am not saying that the officer who pulled the trigger was in the right, I am not familiar enough with the situation to make a determination on that front. It's possible that the situation was escalated that far, it's also possible that the officer misread the situation. And yes, it is possible that the officer involved was abusing his power as law enforcement. There are situations that an officer may find him/herself in that requires the use of lethal force in order to protect the community as a whole by ending a bad situation. That is not every time that someone gets non-compliant with an officer, but it can happen. It's possible that departments, especially ones with high officer involved shooting rates, need to re-evaluate their policies regarding the use of lethal force, and adjust the process by which that decision is made. However, there are always going to be issues with people who abuse the power of being an officer of the law. That is an unfortunate truth, and one that departments around the nation need to work on changing.

Now, part of the fall out has been citizens shooting officers, and some of these shootings have been fatal, or permanently damaging. To me at least, it is NEVER alright to shoot an officer, The only exception I can imagine would be the if the officer was abusing power, in an obvious manner against oneself, and that only if other methods have been exhausted. Less drastic intervention, though possibly still physical, can be used if another person is the victim. Still, lethal intervention should be avoided, on both sides.

I, as just about every other driver in the country, have had the occasional encounter with an officer in the form of a traffic stop. I have spoken with the police three separate times. The first to times I got off with warnings. The third I got a ticket, but I fully expected it, and was fully deserving of that ticket. The first time I cut off a person while making a lane change when I was getting off work, this was my fault and I had made an improper lane change without looking for other vehicles. I admitted that I had not checked for other vehicles and the officer let me off. The second time I was pulled over for tail-gating. I am still certain that the vehicle I was behind was not going the posted speed limit which caused part of the problem. I have no depth perception and judging my distance is difficult, especially at night, which was the case this time. I knew there was a car behind me, because I could see the head lights, but couldn't tell how far behind me they were, I was trying to increase my distance from the car in front of me without getting too close to the car behind me. I explained myself to the officer who had been behind me (and pulled me over), he asked if I had been going about the posted speed limit, and let me off with a warning when I told him that I was driving about the speed limit. The third time I had tried to make a U-Turn and failed to check properly causing me to bumper car a city bus. The bus was not really damaged, and no one was injured, but because it was a city vehicle I had to pay the price for my mistake. I was more freaked out by having just been in the first accident that was completely my fault. I paid the fine that was my punishment.

The biggest thing when dealing with police is to be polite, they are humans too. They are trying to do their jobs and keep people safe. We may need to seriously look at the way officers go about their interactions with people, but only to keep everyone involved safe, that means that officers are going to have to carry guns, tasers, or other devices/weapons in order to keep peace as best that they can. It does mean that there is the possibility for misinterpretation because the officer must make a decision quickly that might have several factors that are difficult to weigh properly in the seconds that an officer has to make the decision to use lethal force or some other intervention.

That is what needs to be remembered by people who are against the police in regards to officer involved fatal shootings .Every officer involved shooting is investigated, hopefully by non-biased people, but those are incredibly hard to find. Everyone's lives matter and need to be treated like humans, with respect. That needs to be remembered by EVERYONE, officers and citizens alike.

The job of parenting

I had a conversation with one of the people I call my bosses (she technically isn't, but the structure at work isn't important, and also very confusing). We got into a discussion about how I need a better job, but no one has called me for an interview since before my husband got a job, he got hired in March, and started in April. This is frustrating because I literally live from one paycheck to another paycheck with NO wiggle room at all. By literally I mean I hadn't deposited my paycheck from this past week yet and had about $2.00 in my bank account and was having issues trying to order my new glasses. She mentioned my resume and how I perhaps need to change it up a bit. I told her there are only so many ways to spread out and professionally say that I'm a glorified baby sitter. I monitor youth, make sure they are behaving and eat. Then try to get them to do things like clean the house and clean themselves. That's basically what happens on a typical shift, it really is. She said there's more to it than that, and said something about am I just baby sitting my own kids. First off, I don't have my own kids, and sometimes I really want them, and sometimes I feel that it would be a terrible idea. Before this job I was always sure that I wanted at least one someday.

I was at Walmart trying to do my grocery shopping for the week so I had a bit of time to think about it. I did decide to look at what I had down for my resume and see if I could alter anything, or add other points. I went and added quite a bit of things that I hadn't put in before. Then, as I was starting this paragraph I remembered one that I meant to put down and forgot about. However, it still sounds to me like I'm just adding more levels to being a glorified baby sitter, maybe I've moved up to nanny instead of baby sitter. As I mentioned in a previous post I do sometimes try to provide life lessons, and am terrible at it. I'm trying to get a bit better about at least stopping the word flow once I get going. I sort of put that on my resume as "life skills". I also put how we are trying to teach them appropriate interactions with others. None of these kids play well with others, a big part of why most of them are there. When I ran out of things to put, I still wanted to put more. The problem was I don't know what else to put. I was trying to think of writing it as describing the job duties of a parent (as she said, there's more to it than watching the kids).

What does a parent do beyond monitoring, transporting, and teaching life skills? Life skills is also being used to mean basic tasks like cleaning, cooking, and laundry. A parent is supposed to offer their child things to do that the child likes to do. Since many of the things that the youth in the group home like to do are not accepted by society as a whole we have issues doing that, or because part of the job is created a structured environment for behavioral modification (another thing to add to the resume, better sounding than med administration). I did include that we try to teach responsibility for individual actions and ensuring that the consequences are appropriate to the actions. I made sure to put in there that consequences are positive or negative. These consequences are were we try our hardest to change behaviors.  A parent is responsible for teaching appropriate behaviors in the first place so I don't have to try latter and do it.

These kids don't view me as a parent, nor do they view any of the staff that way as far as I can tell. They view us more as jailers, at best we are nothing more than baby sitters to them. So my argument, while not professional, and far from how we are supposed to view ourselves, so in the end we were both right, but from different sides of the coin. We are trying so hard to change these kids into something that society will accept that most of the time it fails.

The truth of the matter is I'm burned out from this job, have been for most of a year now, but I'm stuck. Mainly because I don't want to be unemployed. This boss has never seen me at my best, when I actually believed in the system that I was trying to work with, when I thought that the kids in the group home were there because they wanted to change. Most of them are there because there's no where for them to go and they want to be anywhere but where they are. Everything we do to try to get them to do the things they need to do to leave (because that's also our goal, we don't want them there forever) they just get angry and upset with us. It's saddening, and frustrating because they don't seem to understand that just because their behavior isn't necessarily illegal that it's still not right.

This reminds me of a lesson I learned really pretty awkwardly in about the 1st grade. It's not acceptable to lick people in public (even if your pretending to be a dog because your 6 and it's recess). It's not illegal to lick people in public, it's just weird and makes people uncomfortable. This means that society rejects it in the norms, not in the law. Norms are also important and one of the things that the group home kids don't get very well. Norms dictate our interactions with others, so that is also covered in a neat concise package on my resume. It's also part of a parent's job to teach norms as they are teaching what society accepts and doesn't accept.

This is the job of a parent, and in my more ungracious moments I can tell myself that I'm a fool and an idiot for thinking I can do it. However, these are kids who aren't quite right in their judgments, and I'm viewed as nothing more than a baby sitter. At least part of that is because I'm really too young to be given the respect I should be having from them. Maybe they view me as the big sister, but I don't know. The best I can do is model the behavior that we are trying to get these kids to use, but I'm not very good at it. However, no one else is very good at it either, so at least I'm in good company.

Gay marriage and Christianity

I have something I would like to say about gay marriage and religion. I'd put it on Facebook, but there are some pretty polarized people I'm friends with on Facebook and that could lead to some serious fighting that I don't want to have overshadow the original idea. This means that I'll put it here where no one will see it, even though anyone could see this if they wanted to.

First, let me put some history here, just in case this blog works out for me like Emily Dickinson's poems did for her. I am a Christian by most accepted definitions. I'm a member of the United Methodist Church which is popularly accepted as being more liberal than the Catholics or the Baptists, or other denominations. What most people don't know is that the official stance of the United Methodist Church is against gay marriage.

Now, I think that the strict Christian people need to relax on this decision. It does not affect our decisions as Christians whether gays can have a legally binding marriage or not. The Christian churches aren't being told that they have to cater to gays seeking to get married in religious settings. There is a separation of Church and State in this country and this is one of the reasons that it is the way it is.

I know that it makes you people uncomfortable, but it's not your life to live. If you want to know what happens to people who try to live their lives through other people, or control as much of their lives as possible, watch Toddlers and Tiaras, or any of those reality TV shows that follow people around who just try to control each other and throw tantrums like toddlers when they don't get their way. Let me give you a hint, it doesn't usually end well. Some of these children raised that way are unable to function in normal society. That's what's hurting our society, not gays getting the right to have legally binding marriages.

This is still America, it's not so different as when women got the right to vote, or inter-racial couples got the rights just now given to the gay community. We look back on those moments now, and see how obdurate the people were, but we do not get the full reflection showing us that we are just as obdurate about this change. We have come very far, but have not gone a long way.

I work in a therapeutic group home for teenagers. This leads to a lot of life lessons that are not always taught the way they should be taught. Several weeks ago I had a conversation with a youth, who I call Full Circle. She was annoyed that I had not intervened in a disagreement between her and another resident referred to under the name Butterfinger Bites. NOTE: The name Butterfinger Bites is not intended in anyway to be racist. It's based on initials and is not the only candy themed name I have assigned to a kid. The dispute was about who got to use the television. Now, both of these persons are legal adults. I pointed this out and stated that they should be able to work out something as adults. This displeased Full Circle who went to a different part of the house. 


After dinner is when Full Circle asked me about the event from earlier in the day. She asked why I didn't become involved or stick up for her. I, am a devout conflict avoider, pretty much to a fault. It was also essentially a lesson: you can't always run to another person, sometimes you are going to have to sort out things on your own. We got into a bit of a heated discussion in which I told her that life sucks and there is always going to be a lot of pain for every bit of happiness.


Really, that was more pessimistic than I normally am. I am a jaded person, just like everyone else in the world who can drive a car legally. Some people live solely for the happy few minutes in life, and choose to essentially ignore the rest of life. I like the happy moments just like anyone else. However, I know that they are fleeting, which just makes them more precious.


I realized about a week ago that Full Circle was still miffed at me about this conversation that we had had. I was trying to find someway of explaining that it isn't always the pits, though life is a rollercoaster. I thought about it, and wasn't really able to come up with a way that would work to say out-loud. I'm not the best at imparting life lessons in verbal form. I almost never know how to go about them, or how to stop talking once the point is made. This is the solution I came up with, even though no one reads this blog.


Life is sort of like this blog. I know no one reads it, yet I post when I feel the urge, and am not stuck in some book or another. That is why there was a week delay in getting this. I don't really give up on it, though sometimes I forget it exists, but I keep plucking away at it when I do remember it.


Life is about the search for humanity, and it isn't found where most people think it'll be found. Humanity is found in people, in the way we interact with each other. it makes the difference in the world. Have you ever eaten a meal alone? Most of us have at some point, typically at home. However, have you ever done it in a restaurant? One where every table but yours has at least two people talking to each other? No matter how nice the food is, it isn't quite the same when there is no one to share it with. You are missing the component of humanity that makes a meal truly worth the eating, truly sustaining for someone.


We often believe that humanity is an internal trait, but it can't exist in the vacuum of a single person. How could you prove you were humane? Kindness to animals? That could just mean that you prefer animals to people, not humanity. Humanity is being able to deal with your fellow man and being able to interact with them. We hear about people who do heinous acts against others, and call them inhuman. It's true, we shouldn't treat each other with disrespect. However, respect is an internal trait.  Respect is something that can be taught. Humanity is not. Humanity is bred from our interactions with others.


I feel that this would almost sound like a speech that some great orator would read in that it riles the crowd, but it does not necessarily impart much in the way of learning, even though that is the intention here. I feel that this is a lot of words, and hardly any substance. However, it isn't often that the person writing, or doing anything else gets the full impact of the thing they are doing. We have the perfection of our minds to mar what actually comes out to the rest of the world. Maybe, if someone reads this, they can learn something.

Job Hunting

It's suddenly very cold here where I live. We went from about 60 degrees on Sunday to snow Monday and currently it is only 8 above Fahrenheit. It seems the weather finally got the memo that it's November and it should get with the end of the year program.

This is a random post, at least I'm in a good mood this time. I figure I should post sometimes when I'm not upset or mad or something like that. Currently I'm typing while my husband is watching Minecraft UFC videos on Youtube. We should both be working on job hunting, but neither of us really wants to.

You see, job hunting is not easy for either of us. He's only had one job and it's not helping him get anything new. I've had several jobs but only the last one really means anything in terms of a career. I won't go into my various jobs though.

Another issue that I have is my current job is the only one that I have stayed at for over a year. This is actually because most of my jobs have been tourist places that have a specific season and hire based on a contracted basis. Those kids of jobs usually last about a month, though the fair job I did once was only for eight days.

My current job is a really hard job to really stay in. If you stay in it you have to find some way to stay on the surface and not get in too deep. If you get in too deep it becomes really difficult to want to stay. Part of my issue is that I have no set schedule. I sort of have one currently but that is changing suddenly.

For example, while writing this post I got a phone call from a co-worker asking me to come in at 6 MST. I take this to mean that for whatever reason she doesn't want to finish her shift (possibly to go drinking). This particular place has been having an extra staff in the evening which is where my steady hours have been coming from. I don't think that what I'm coming in to do is part of that because she wants be to stay until her shift would end.  It could be that it is the extra staff.

I work in therapeutic group homes as "relief" staff, that's basically like a substitute teacher. I go in when people need me, but I could say no. I didn't this time because there's some stuff I would like to learn about what's going on in that house. Working in mental health is very hard, especially since mine are all kids.

I'm trying to get out of this field, not really because of the kids, but because of the staff. The staff issues with this field are crazy. It's not fun and makes working with the kids difficult because of our own inconsistency between staff. It then makes it even harder for the relief staff who can come in in the middle of some crazy situation and make everything worse.

So much for the happy post. Maybe next time I can not be interrupted and not go astray.

Writing

Isn't funny that we all have this obsession to write things for others to see? There are so many people out there who want to write books or even book series. We even have a whole month dedicated to those who want to try and write a novel. I'm sitting watching my husband try and get a job. He's been unemployed for just over a year now. I'm trying to get a new job myself, and not doing much better than he is. While watching him and thinking thoughts about how we'll possibly never move from this metaphorical point, I remembered that there is a file on my computer that is a short story thing I wrote in college based on what comes to my mind when I listen to the soundtrack from the 2009 Star Trek. Remembering that the story has always been the JK Rowling started Harry Potter on a napkin in a restaurant when she was completely broke.

I'm no good at writing much of anything. I can write a research paper pretty well so I think that I could do research reports. Most report things in companies are based on forms anyway. That makes it easier because you just do what the form says on it.

That's right any high schoolers and college students out there, you're ability to write papers is almost completely unnecessary once out of school. About the only people who write papers are reporters and scientists trying to get money.

Really the only writing that is important beyond school is a form of writing that is barely taught any more. Letter writing, specifically how to write a business letter or a cover letter/letter of interest. The only other letter that's important is a letter of recommendation. Those are easy because you just say what is good about a person and leave the bad stuff for people to learn later.

There might be another form of writing that is important, but we learn that through essay questions and not papers. This type of writing is the open answer question answers for applications. I just had to help my husband with his on the application he is working on. He has a hard time figuring out what to put. Thankfully we stated as co-workers so I know how he works and can help him sort through the stuff.

That above paragraph should be read as I wrote the answer I think he should give on a different sheet of paper and he now gets to copy it onto the application because I can't fake his handwriting.

Back to the topic of writing. I once read part of a book standing in a local Target store that was basically an autobiography with Internet Lazy Pictures in it. This person has had some interesting things to write about, but haven't we all? I had to write my life story once for a class in college. I think it was only supposed to be about ten pages. Mine ended up being 32. The professor wanted us to put every thing that had happened basically. I skipped some parts because it was supposed to be a positive theme. I did get major life events like living in a different country as a small child and moving schools several times. However, none of that was really book worthy was it? Maybe, but I doubt it will sell.

See my other problem is that I can 't think of titles either. It's one of the issues with my short story I mentioned earlier.

So, writing novels; harder than some people think. I have friends in college who are trying to write novels. The one is thinking of a book series. If it ever comes out I want a copy, it sounds amazing. She has about three different notebooks that she keeps story ideas in. Most of it is in her head as well. The largest of the notebooks has all of her stuff of the book series that she wants to do. The other two? Other ideas for books unrelated to her book series. These two friends are also both into writing fan-fiction, the great starting place of many people trying to write.

My friends make some great ideas for stories and spend years sorting the whole thing out. Almost none of it gets written or published. However, the characters they create seem almost real. I even got a Halloween costume out of one of the fan fiction ideas.

An example of the idea that everyone wants to write and share with the world, is blogging. It's even become so popular that Disney made a show with a dog having a blog. There are many tips to a successful blog. I doubt I'm following any of them, but it's fun to do this anyway when I remember I even have a blog. I actually started this one because of how much I liked blogging in a college class I took.

I think I've rambled enough for one blog post. Maybe I'll try and flush out my short story, or go back to Minesweeper. Maybe someone will get a kick out of this post, if they bother to read the whole thing.

Hey there world,
I didn't know there were people actually reading this. I was just on here on a whim, and saw 22 page views. That was quite impressive. So let's see what has been going on in my world:
I worked in Yellowstone National Park for the summer.
I got a boyfriend.
I entered my last year of college.
Actually the first two rather happened together, my boyfriend started as my co-worker, then friend, then boyfriend. The park was quite fun, lots of bison where I was which sometimes got in the way. I also had an encounter with a bear that I considered to be far to close.
Last year of college: lots of work and writing. Despite all of that the classwork isn't actually as intimidating as the idea of graduating and having to go out into the real world. That is the part that is really scaring me, the classwork is just annoying.
Christmas was wonderful, my boyfriend got to come out (we don't live in the same state). We went and saw The Hobbit, which we loved. He hadn't read the book so it was a different experience for him than for me.
All and all I'm looking forward to 2013 and heading into the real world (even though it scares me a bit), and maybe I'l remember this exists and post more often.